remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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