Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
