I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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