this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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