Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
