im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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