I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
