i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
