Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
