Whatcha textin bout Willis?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
So much Jack, so little girl.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
