i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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