just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
she looked like the before picture.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
