Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
