i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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