Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
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