watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
