why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Randomize
