You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
