so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
