He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
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I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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