I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
