yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Oh god it's open bar.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
