2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize