That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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