Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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