so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
