How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
