he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
