i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
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On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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