just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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