my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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