How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
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im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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