Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
