If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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