pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
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I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
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Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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