Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
