True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
