Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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