I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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