Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sorry about my life...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
