I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
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Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
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If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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