you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
