Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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