Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
It's shark week go big or go home
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
