Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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