you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
