Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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