just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
