At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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