i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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