first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
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gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
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Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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