I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.