so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
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he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
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Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.