She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
