After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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