Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
